How many pages will there be?

Ah, here it is the last day of the month, and it’s time for me to put up another short story to share. I know, I know, you were worried I forgot about my pledge to put up a short story a month, and I was hoping you forgot I said anything. You know sometimes things just sound better in my head (good acoustics in my head), and I’ve found this story a month isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

You see, short stories are hard for me to write. I’m verbose and like to meander down dark hallways. So often times when I try to write a short story I feel like, hey this is a nice beginning to a larger story. I bet I can make this into a book. My mind just won’t let things go, so they grow and grow and grow. It’s seriously harder for me to write a short story than it is for me not to say something sarcastic, or undangle my participles.

So the story I was working on for this month became something bigger and I was like, ah crap what am I gonna do now? Then it hit me, and knocked me down, left a bruise on my left calf, but I got up again (something I learned from Chumbawamba). I figured out how to turn this problem into a solution that helped me take care of my short story a month thing for the rest of the year, I’ll break the story into ten chapters and release a chapter at the end of each month!

Yes ,yes pure genius (or unadulterated laziness. You pick).

So until the story is all done and collected in one place, I’ve built a new page, ‘The Wind Screams’, which is the title of the story entire, to hold the chapters in as they’re done. Feel free to check it out and I hope you enjoy it (if you don’t, lying is acceptable, as is faking it, but honesty is best). If your hobbled, out of breath, or lazy just click here and I’ll whisk you away to story as well.

Shadows of the Empire

by: Steve Perry

The book takes place between ‘Empire Strikes Back’ and ‘Return of the Jedi’. We find Luke, Leia, Chewy, and Lando trying to track down Boba Fett to save Han Solo from his carbonate prison; Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine are looking for Luke to bring him to the dark side. We also get to meet Prince Xizor, ruler of a powerful crime syndicate, who’s trying to become the Emperor’s right hand man by removing Vader from the picture. And lastly, there’s Dash Rendar, pirate scoundrel possibly more vain than Solo.

The book explores the emotional aftermath of ‘Empire’ as we delve deeper into Leia’s feelings for Han and Luke, and get into Vader’s head listening to his machinations for his son and himself. It also sets up a few things before the beginning of ‘Jedi’.

Yes it’s Star Wars and yes I’m biased, but I loved the book! It rocketed from start to end, explored well known characters in new ways, although, the new characters we get to meet seem cardboard, it’s Star Wars!!

Play nice

Traveling the intrawebs today looking for inspiration I find the jubilant J.R. Pearse Nelson has put on her Svengali hat and tagged me for a bit of writers’ showmanship. And who am I to turn down such an invitation from a lady that resides in the city, “where anything can be pickled”. I seem to reside in the state “where everyone is pickled” (and by pickled, I mean drunk).

Rules, yes there are rules and I’ll even follow them, they are as follows,

1.Go to page 7 or 77 in your current manuscript

2.Go to line 7

3.Copy down the next 7 lines as they are

I only dream in sound

OMG! Baseball starts tonightish (5 am my time), the Seattle Mariners vs. some stupid Oakland team. Happy Felix Day!!!! May the A’s choke on a splinter!

In other news I finished my really rough draft for The Devil’s Playground. “Now what?” you ask, and thanks for asking, I let it sit and work on the short story for this month. I do research for the Playground, by which I mean, look stuff up on Wikipedia, is there any other way to research things? (This post is brought to you by the fine people at Wikipedia). Then I get back into Playground. Months and months move on in a chelonian pace as I dazzle myself with amazing prose then wake up the next day to realize I just typed the lyrics to any Led Zeplin album (pick one, at least any of the first six they’re awesome), I erase everything, start again while cursing myself for drinking and writing (is that an OUI?). Then I figure out that what I originally wrote was only remotely Zeplinish and was completely brilliant but now is floating in the internet dump. So I take myself outside and kick my own ass then make up (not out) with myself, and all is forgiven until I come back inside and find that I have nothing typed. God, I hate me already!!

Writing is fun. Bring boxing gloves it improves the typing.

All this means is, I have a rough map to guide my writing along, but I reserve the right to stop and visit the worlds largest fondue pot. I’ve given myself plenty to play with: fairy tales, gnomes (really naughty gnomes, but not in a sexuall way), urban legends, books inside of novels, subplots galore, teenage angst (not a YA novel), bedtime stories, more Irish folktales, a bisexuall Marquis, fish with lasers, monkies, a cake, and so much more.

I love all the possibilities a beginning gives me!

Go Mariners!

Now turning onto weird street, my son and his friend, Austin R. tell me this video reminds them of me (although they say, I’m buffer than the comedian in the video. I think they meant fatter. I’m about to dance on their graves. Jerks).


by:J.R. Pearse Nelson

Part two in her Sidhe series, an erotic Celtic fantasy.

This time we follow womanizing Sidhe Authority, Eddie Blake, and human witch, Alise Rodgers, as they unwittingly uncover a malicious plot to bring war back to the Sidhe. It seems some of the true blooded Sidhe have a problem now that Hazel, Alise’s best friend, and half-Sidhe, is queen. With her crowning, the Council talks of bringing more half-breeds into Otherworld, tainting the true line. Yes once again, war is brewing, and it has awakened the Lady Morrigan, Goddes of war.

Another quick paced novella (taking time out for steamy eroticness of course) that carries you to the end and leaves you wanting more. J.R.’s story telling ability has eclipsed what she did with the first novella, Tribute, and promises to take us even deeper into Tir Nan Og. I can’t wait. Her main characters, Eddie and Alise, feel fuller in this book, more realistic.

I still wish she were more descriptive about the Otherworld and give us more past history, but that’s just me. This is a very streamlined novella that I did enjoy, and am looking forward to the next novel in the Sidhe series. Bravo J.R., please don’t keep me waiting to long.

A side quest

I’m in Chicago, so now I’m a Tri-stater. I have my fishing rod and I’m off to Shedd Aquarium. Here’s an awesome video I found while checking the internet to see if Shedd Aquarium has any narwhals, the jedi of the sea. They don’t.

Happy Birthday Laughing Starfish!!

And have a great Saturday and may an avalanche of cheesy puffs fall into your lap. On a side note my son and I had a competition to see who could fit the most cheesy puffs in their mouth at one time. I win, 18.

Friends in low places

Sitting around trying to build an Artoo D2 head to go on top of my truck. I came to the realization that I don’t have any writer friends, or friends that write, and wouldn’t it be cool if I did. We could talk about writerly things, and do writerly things. Like drink coffee and smoke cigarettes while contemplating how people interact with one another (although, I don’t smoke and I hate coffee. Maybe tea and pixie sticks, or beer and beef jerky). Hell I live two hours from Chicago, the third largest metropolitan area in America. And an hour from Milwaukee, somewhere between 15 and 20 in metropolitan size. Surely there are other writers in the area. But then my brain does its brain thing

Brain: “Other writers’ wouldn’t like you. Your a douche.”

Me: “What! You’re a douche, and people love me. I’m awesome!”

Brain: “I don’t like you.”

Me: “That’s because you’re a douche. All my friends think I’m an Adonis.” (at which point some of my friends are scratching their head thinking, ‘I don’t call him Adonis. He’s more like a weeble wobble’, it’s my other friends that call me Adonis. Now all my friends are scratching their heads. Jerks).

Brain: “Doesn’t matter I still don’t like you.”

Me: “Oh shut up, it’s not about you, it’s about me.”

Now I’m lost in my brain again. Oh well.

Another random thought I had was, Why don’t I have any friends nicknamed “wiener”? So I’ve decided that the next new friend I make I’m gonna nickname, wiener. I’m not a wiener myself, I’m the Hubbard (now all my friends have stopped scratching themselves and are shacking their heads yes, yes he’s the Hubbard), and I don’t care if the new friend doesn’t wanna be called wiener (and my friends are still shaking their heads yes, yes he doesn’t care).

And now I’m off to drink a beer. And then so it doesn’t get lonely I’m gonna drink another beer until I have a full-on beer party going on in my belly. In stark contrast, there’s gonna be a somber Hunger Games like lottery going in my brain as my brain cells see who dies. I hope it’s the embarrassing memory of me wearing a bunny costume whilst crying because I wanted to be in a chicken costume. All while watching

Yep yep, there’s a new page to ignore

A new season is here and it’s time to switch gears. Today at least.

Still a few things that the blog and I argue about, but we’re getting better. Still, I’m on craigslist looking for a local nerd to help me out. Yes, I know I’m a nerd, but I’m looking for a different type of nerd (there are different types of nerds, like different classifications in D&D. Yes I played D&D, so what? shut up).

Anyway today isn’t about rambling or impressing you with my ability to write nothing, or at least write on the topic of nothing. Today is the first day of spring. Today is the day I build another new page, Poems. Check it out, I don’t promise to blow your mind, but hey, I think its good. Still, why does anything new piss me off about this website. I’m gonna rename the website, the Piss Hole.

Happy spring, screw you groundhog! Spring started weeks ago. Stoopid groundhog probably went to the same school with the damn bunny. Stoopid Bunny, when you go to sleep I’m gonna pee in your mouth!

Yep yep it’s spring, let the wild rumpus begin!


Happy Birthday little girl!

Happy 18th Birthday Brianna Elizabeth!

I remember the first time I saw you. I was 5. Or 6. Maybe I was 7 (who can remember these things?). And I wanted a dog. A great big dog, like a mastiff, or great dane, or even a poodle. I wanted to be able to ride him around the neighbourhood with a bucket on my head and carrying a broomstick like a lance, and I wanted to go knock down nerds. But my parents said “no”. So I took all my birthday money, cut out a coupon in the back of a comic book, and sent it off. I came home excited everyday and checked the mailbox waiting for my package, only to walk inside disappointed and alone.

Then nine months later I came home and there you were, a purple little alien swaddled in rags. “What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s your daughter,” someone said.

“Daughter? I ordered sea monkeys! What the hell!?!” (I should really read the small print better).

Needless to say, here it is eighteen years later, and I still love you, and miss you. (She lives with her mother in the middle of nowhere on the east coast with her two half-brothers, a unic, a dancing russian bear, and a unicorn named, Charlie). But really, happy birthday baby!